I started crying on the train today because of a Taylor Swift song so that obviously means it’s time for a blog post.
Birthdays are a great day to be on social media. Everyone knows you’re celebrating a special day and they send their best wishes even if you haven’t talked in a long time. And you feel loved and special and wonderful and that’s honestly one of the best thing about birthdays.
Unfortunately, there have been years in the past when my birthday hasn’t met this expectation of great days and happy celebrations. I have spent birthdays alone and sad and depressed and confused about why I wasn’t happy on the day I was supposed to be celebrating the time I’ve spent here in this world. So this year I was determined to make sure that didn’t happen. And it didn’t. I had a beautiful day with wonderful people and delicious food. My tummy and my heart are very happy today.
But of course this got me thinking about phases of life, and where I am in my life right now, and where I’ve been and how things have changed. And then “Welcome to New York” came on while I was riding the subway and I got really emotional.
The past couple of years have been some of the hardest of my life. I have been forced to make very difficult decisions about college and jobs and friends and relationships. I’ve had to come to terms with personal struggles and mental illness and problem solving and some really shitty stuff that a lot of people don’t know about. And it’s been hard as hell. I just kept thinking “When is it going to get better? Aren’t I trying the hardest I possibly can? Why isn’t this getting any better?”
If I’m being completely honest, there are times when I still feel that way. But overall, this has been the most positive and happy I’ve felt in a long time. And now I’m starting a new year of my life and while of course there are some more difficult things I’m going to have to face, I feel more ready than ever.
I love living in New York City. It took me a while to let go of the fantasy image I had for my college experience and instead focus on making my time in this intimidating city as worthwhile as possible. I worked jobs and got internships and took difficult classes and got lost in Brooklyn and spent too much money on Hedwig tickets. With a lot of time, effort, and advice from people I really trusted, I was starting to shape the life I was most excited about living. I wasn’t so scared to talk to new people, I didn’t rely so much on HopStop to get me around the city, and I stopped being embarrassed about the things that made me the happiest. I surrounded myself with people and books and interests that inspired me, challenged me, and made me excited about the little things in life. I bought all the striped shirts and Frozen merch, my friends. And I loved all of it.
So for the first time in a while, I’m feeling pretty fucking great. There are still days and sometimes weeks that I get really frustrated if things don’t go the way I want and I feel like I can’t do anything about it. But then I have days like today that remind me that those feelings don’t last forever. And I can do something about them. It might take time and it might be shitty and sad and difficult in the process, but I can.
I know I’m revealing a lot here, my babes, but I felt like it was the perfect time. I’m kind of at a loss for how to wrap all of this up because I’m getting emotional again and I need to listen to the Red album for the sixth time today. So folks, I don’t know about you, but I’m feelin’ very 22. And I can’t wait to find out what that means for me.
Songs that got me through the rough days…
I Wanna Get Better – Bleachers
True North – Jillette Johnson
This Year – The Mountain Goats
Shake It Off – Taylor Swift
This is the New Year – A Great Big World
Midnight Radio – Hedwig & the Angry Inch
Battle Cry – Angel Haze & Sia
Warrior – Demi Lovato
Gravity – John Mayer
Electric Feel – MGMT
American Girl – Bonnie McKee
Let It Go – Idina Menzel
Reflections – MisterWives